Gay, Young and Confused

I received this comment from Eric on my Crazy or Queer post: You can consider yourself lucky not to grow up in Asia (where I still am) where conservative and religious mores are so entrenched that to be revealed as bi or gay would be worse than death. Often there would be 'mysterious' suicides, young guys preferring to end their lives than carry on the agony. It is so sad.eric

I responded to Eric: Thank you, Eric, for your comment. I understand -- to an extent -- the cultural taboo that homosexuality represents in the Asian culture. It is sad. It is tragic. And, even here in the good ol' US of A, some young men find it easier to end their lives than face the perceived (mostly real) ostracism that will come their way from family, friends. Indeed, we're (the US) experiencing one of those historical cycles of vicious biblical ballyhoo which cannot but affect negatively on young gay men/women's perception of themselves. You've hit on something that I wrote about, again, a very long time ago. I'll try to post it today.George

First of all, a reminder who Anita Bryant was and who, at one time observed: If gays are granted rights, next we'll have to give rights to prostitutes and to people who sleep with St. Bernards and to nailbiters.

Secondly, I think Ol' Jimmy Swaggert's latest is instructive: Last Sunday Christian evangelist Jimmy Swaggart shared a shocking confession to his congregation during a worship service that is broadcast to a global audience. In the middle of his sermon, Swaggart proclaimed that he would "kill" a man that looked at him with romantic intent.

Swaggart's words:
"I've never seen a man in my life I wanted to marry."
(shouts, applause)
"And I'm gonna be blunt and plain, if one ever looks at me like that I'm going to kill him and tell God he died."
(laughter, applause)
"In case anybody doesn't know God calls it an abomination. It's an abomination! It's an abomination!"
(applause)
..."I'm not knocking the poor homosexual. I'm not. They need salvation just like anybody else.... I'm knocking our pitiful, pathetic lawmakers. And I thank God that President Bush has stated we need a constitutional amendment that states that marriage is between a man and a woman."
(applause)

Finally:

Gay, Young and Confused

It is two days before Christmas and I sit here in my apartment listening to the music of the season from my stereo. It is beautiful music and it is made more beautiful by the wonderful voices of pre-adolescent boys ... so pure and innocent. I wonder, though, how many of those voices, how many of those young boys are beginning to recognize they are different; that there is something in them that is quietly urging them to travel dark and different roads, unsure roads into the fulfillment of some unarticulated yearnings which they are feeling so intensely but, yet, unable to understand? Yes, I wonder how many of those boys are gay but still unable to attach that label to what they are feeling within themselves?

My most profound condemnation of Anita Bryant and each of the pitiful homophobes is that through their prolific ignorance they are inflicting the most horrible sadness upon young boys, adolescents who are beginning to recognize the nature of their sexuality.

Most of us share a common period in our lives when the knowledge that we were, indeed, homosexual was a terrible awakening. My own experience came when I was twelve or thirteen and realized that those feeling I had been experiencing for as many years as I could remember were the feelings of a homosexual. And, as soon as I had labeled those feelings I responded by kneeling at the pew during Sunday mass and extolling the Virgin Mary and all the saints in heaven in such an intense manner that I hoped I would somehow be made "normal." Well, the Virgin and all those saints didn't come through and now, I thank them vigorously. Yes, thank god, I'm gay. It has not, by any means, been an easy road to travel. But, travel it I have and each day that passes convinces me more that being gay is indeed something very special. It is a blessing from I know not where. But, it is a blessing.

Ms. Bryant was not championing the cause of homophobia when I first began to understand the nature of my sexuality. At that time, the only things with which I had to contend were keeping my secret to myself; fighting the conditioned (I was raised a Roman Catholic) guilt my thoughts and desires bred; contending with the intense yearning for a same-sex relationship and wondering constantly if in all the world there was someone else who had the same inclinations as I. It was surely a difficult time for me. It was the worst of times; times that were saturated with confusion, sadness, unrequited love, fear.

Today, with the mouthings of Ms. Bryant being disseminated throughout the country, I grieve for young boys who know they are homosexual. What profound melancholy must infest their lives with the onslaught of the pitiful homophobes. What immense confusion and fear must drown their minds and hearts in the deepest, darkest pool of guilt and sadness.

Oh, shame on your soul Ms. Bryant. If there is a god in heaven, may be gather the tears of the young homosexual boys you have caused to feel such horrible pain. And may those tears be spread across the universe as stars for only those boys to see. And may those stars radiate such hope and comfort and joy and love for those homosexual boys, they -- the stars -- will burn you words, Ms. Bryant, to ashes within your mouth.

If it were given to human beings to decide one day if they would be hetero or homosexual, Ms. Bryant's words would have some valid meaning and I would not question her right to live comfortably with her conscience. But such is not the case. The choice is not ours to make. And, to that end, I take comfort in Winston Churchill's reflection that, "The only guide to a man is his conscience; the only shield to his memory is the rectitude and sincerity of his actions. It is very imprudent to walk through life without this shield, because we are so often mocked by the failure of our hopes and the upsetting of our calculations; but with the shield, however the Fates may play, we march always in the ranks of honour."

The scars we as homosexuals carry are deep and, at times, painful. Perhaps this is why we live our lives so intensely and grasp at the joy of life and love so vigorously ... to purge the pain that is inflicted on us by the pitiful homophobes. Yes, and if there is ever a final reckoning we can display our consciences framed in love and tempered by our good lives lived in the face of fearful oppression and hate. The oppressors will have nothing to show but mouths filled with ashes and hearts made putrid by the stench of inhaling their own ignorance and hate; by the sorrow they have inflicted upon the lives of innocent boys.

First published in Out Front magazine in January, 1980, under the pseudonym Michael George.